I’ve done some pretty shitty things. I’ve had more embarrassingly pathetic moments that left me crying in public than I care to count. I’ve been a terrible friend at times. Sometimes I haven’t been a friend at all. I’ve lied. I’ve acted self-righteous. I’ve been a total hypocrite. I’ve been selfish. Really fucking selfish. Self-centered. Self-absorbed. Occasionally I’ve been a complete and total bitch to people I love and sometimes people I don’t even know. Impulsive. Weak. Frustrating. Annoying. Stubborn.
I know I’m not an inherently bad person. I’m a human. There are no perfect human beings; we all have positive & negative qualities intermixed. It is in our nature to sometimes resort to our animalistic behavior. But I don’t think it’s part of our nature to be self-loathing. That is something we’ve learned as time has gone on. No one hates me more than myself. Hating your own physical attributes is one battle but hating your own soul & traits & characteristics & everything that makes you YOU is an all-out war.
I want to love myself. I want to take pride in how I act and how I treat those around me. But being me is hard. I’ve done a lot of stupid things that I can’t forget. I’ve forgiven myself for a lot for the sake of having to continue to live with myself. There are a lot of things I’ve said or done that I can’t shake though; a lot that I’m still trying to work through or at least learn how to cope with all of it. But I can acknowledge that I’ve been a really shitty person sometimes. The first step is accepting you have a problem, right? And I want those people who I’ve hurt or mistreated to know that no one knows how bad I’ve fucked up more than me. There is always a backstory to every bad thing I’ve said or done, and of course the sheer unpredictability of life plays a part in those stories, but reasons aren’t always needed. I don’t think I’ve ever done something out of malice, just for the sake of hurting someone. I have never intended to hurt anyone. I’ve rationalized a lot of my behavior and thoughts to myself. I’ve always had a reason in place for why I’ve acted like a shitty person. But sometimes reasons are just excuses in disguise.
I wish I could just purge all of the negativity from my past and start over fresh with no self-loathing left over. I want to recognizably grow from my mistakes and let the past stay in the past. I’m trying. And I’d like to start by apologizing. I’m sorry. I’m really fucking sorry. For everything I’ve ever said or done that has hurt anyone. I’m sorry for being a shitty friend. I’m sorry for not being there at times. I’m sorry for being so infuriatingly selfish. I’m sorry for this apology. I’m sorry I continue to feel like I need to apologize for myself. And I apologize to myself. I’m sorry for failing you. I’m sorry for not being what you wanted me to be. But I’m trying now. I’m trying.